This is not my ceiling
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
