You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
