Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
