My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize