2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
