Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
