Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
