Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
