Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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