actually, I'm a sock model
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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