Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
