new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
