I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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