Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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