I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
