Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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