All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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