Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
