I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
