I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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