Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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