Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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