i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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