at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
