i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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