Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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