Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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