Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize