She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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