i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
