you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Randomize
