On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
