Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
