Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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