Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
