So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
my liver is dry heaving
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
