I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
