awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
