what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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