theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
