this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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