Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
