road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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