this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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