i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
