when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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