theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
