I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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