I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
