just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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