What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
so much tequila, so little girl.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
