she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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