Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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