my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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