so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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