theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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